Yoga FAIL

The zeal and enthusiasm I felt for my practice yesterday has evaporated. I am on the mat for no more than 30 mins. Despite a resonable start it all goes wrong when I get the 'fear.'
My sun salutations are all wrong, my feet aren't in the right place, my arm won't extend where I want it to, I can't remember where my drishti should be, I forget all about my bandas and don't even get me started on my jump throughs ... the list goes on. I end up totally out of sync with my breath as a result, and then my balance goes out of the window. I give up. I know I shouldn't and a Goenke-like voice pops into my head - "No craving, no aversion, just observe, just observe." The trouble is, it sucks when you observe yourself lumping through the postures with all the grace and elegance of a hippopotamus doing ballet.

My practise is not perfect, therefore how could I ever consider being a yoga teacher?! This is what I mean when I refer to the 'fear.'

I have always been a bit of a perfectionist. And, an impatient perfectionist at that (which are the very worst kind). It's not that I'm not prepared to work hard for something, far from it, yet I always want it ALL straight away. "I'll take the moon on a stick please." However, I realise that is not what yoga is all about. It is individual and non-competitive. I have to remind myself of that at times, as this is an unfamiliar concept to a self confessed adrenaline junky, who historically has always bench marked themselves against others.

Each and every single one of us is different and, as such, so is our ability to do yoga. I have seen for myself how yogi's and teachers alike vary drastically in what they can and can't do - experience and practice aside, old injuries and physiological make up alone can have an enormous affect on our capabilities. Some people practice for years and years, never make it beyond a forward bend and can only ever gaze longingly down at their toes, let along take hold. Whereas others are proficient in inversions, but back bend continue to elude them.

My point is, I have to let go of this fear that I won't be good enough. It is something that has plagued my whole life. And what I have learnt to date, is that once you let go of the fear you're able to go beyond it and watch yourself transform. And yes, before you ask, I do own a copy of Susan Jeffer's 'Feel the fear and do it anyway.'

The power of our thoughts and expectations should never be underestimated. This quote says it best; “Watch your thoughts, for they become words. Watch your words, for they become actions. Watch your actions, for they become habits. Watch your habits, for they become character. Watch your character, for it becomes your destiny.” (Anonymous)

The wonderful thing about yoga is that once you begin to scratch the surface you realise how vast the subject is and how much there is to learn. This is both an exciting and daunting prospect. The great yogi's and sages of India have dedicated eons to the study of this mind body science and here I am panicking because I don't know everything after reading the Bhagavad Gita.

My passion for yoga will never be extinguished, and I am still in the early throws of a life long love affair. Maybe I won't be the best teacher in the world, or maybe I will make the decision not to teach at all, but I am taking my first tentative steps down the path to 'destination unknown' and the most important thing, is that I've started something. This is going to be one hell of a journey. I should remember that next time I'm not the mat and am struggling. Afterall, doing it wrong is as much of a learning experience as doing it right.